I love it when I have nights like I did last night! Last night Chad had to work so I decided to have a friend come over. I invited Nikki to come over because she didn't want to go home. My dad got all pissy about it though. I don't care. He was being a baby and I don't care what he has to say when it comes to Nikki. Either do I care what my mom has to say. Anyways, she stayed and watched a movie while I fell asleep on my couch. I felt bad about that later, but she was watching a movie so I think that she isn't that mad at me about that. When it was time to take her home my dad became an asshole again. He is such a loser sometimes. We dropped her off and the ran an erand (dad bitched the entire time) .

I watched tv and then Chad called me and told me that he was on his way home. My mom came into my room when Chad and I hung up and started to watch tv with me. I told her that Chad was almost home and when he gets her she has to leave. When he opened my door I said "she was just leaving". Lol. I thought that it was kinda slightly funny. He came and sat down until he went to the kitchen to make himself food. After he made himself some food and finished eating, he came back and sat with me on my couch. On the commercials I tried to make him kiss me, but he wouldn't. So we started to mess around (none sexually). It was fun. He kept screaming "rape" or "molestation" or something silly like that. I had fun and he did too. By the end of the night we were both extremely turned on because I kept sitting on top of him and I was moving, trying to get him to kiss me.

The only real downer to the entire night was the fact that I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back to me. It really hurt me. He doesn't say it to me anymore. I have to say it and get upset about it in order for him to say "I love you" to me. I don't think that I should have to do that. It bothers me sometimes too. I know in my heart that I love him. I know that he loves me most of the time too. Why can't he find the time or the breath to say that he loves me? I wish that I could figure this out, but I honest;y can't understand guys sometimes. Oh well. I still had a great night even wit this downward twist to it.

The only reason that it doesn't bother me that much is because I know that I love Chad and that at least he is with me and not someone else. The 9th is our anniversary. I'm hoping that he will take me out, but I doubt that it will happen. I don't care too much about going out. I am just wonder if he will even remember that the 9th is our anniversary... If he doesn't thats ok. I'll tell him about it laters.

Anyways, after we wreslted around we watched a movie. When the movie was over he was tired so I went to tuck him in. I started to leave and he asked me to stay till he fell asleep. I love to watch him sleep. He looks so sweet and innocent. Just looking at him drifting away into a place that no one can remember is an amazing feeling. I love being able to watch him. I know that it sounds weird, but you have to understand where I'm coming from. Girls know what its like to watch their man sleep, that is as long as they are peaceful sleepers. Lol. When he was asleep I kissed him on the cheek, made sure that he was tucked in tight and went to go to sleep in my room. I couldn't fall directly asleep, but I did after a little while and that was my good night with mi amor. I guess my happiness really is there. I just have to wait for the right moment.

Lacee

I'm in the library on the computer doing nothing other than chatting with Nikki. I'm kind of bored. There is nothing new that is really going on in my life. I went home and helped Chad clean his room. Then I made dinner. Everyone ate, but me because I wasn't hungry. After that Chad and I went into his room and watched a few music videos. I started to fall alseep on his comfortable bed. I am talking comfortable! This is all about 8 pm. At about 10 or so Chad came and laid down with me and we both fell alseep together. At 10:45 he woke me up and took me to my room and tucked me in and gave me a kiss and a hug goodnight. I was back alseep before he even left my room.

I have been so physically tired lately. I haven't been sleeping that much. Anyways, on a more brighter side. I'm still tired! Lol. I can always count on being tired. No matter how many hours I sleep at night. I think that its kinda funny. I am going to finish talking to Nikki because I have nothing better to do. I don't mind talking to her then. I like talking to her and my other friends. Laters. Lacee

Its been a while since I last got onto the computer and was able to write a blog. A lot has happen in that time. After Chad and I broke up on the 15th I felt like my world had shattered before my eyes again. I had pushed the man that I loved more than anything out of my life. I couldn't function. Because I see him everyday it was even harder for me to deal with it. Every second I just wanted to feetl his touch, his lips against mine, I wanted to know that he loved me and prayed that God help me to see that he wanted to be with me. Well, I made plans with my girl Amanda and I went and stayed the weekend at her house. I just wanted to get drunk and forget about everything and laugh and smile. Chad and Kevin were going out with this girl Callie. I didn't like the idea of Chad going because he was single, but then I realized that I was no one to him and he can say and do what he wants too.

He told me that I said did matter to him and it meant something. All I could think about is "I'm not your girlfriend anymore so no it doesn't". Finally I told him that too. Amanda invited a friend from school over named Eric. Eric is a great friend. He is always there for me when I need him. He knew that Chad and I had just broken up. He also wanted to drink a little and he did. Then he started to make passes at me. This made me extremely uncomfortable! All I could think about was Chad because I love Chad and I care what he thinks and says. Whether we were dating or not just because he is my love! Everyone was tired and starting to fall asleep so Eric and I were downstairs making a sleeping arangement. I was going to sleep by the couch and Eric about 7 to 8 feet from me. "What about Chad?" I thought. So, I made Chad one right next to me. When I was half way asleep Eric moved and laid right next to me where I laid the pillow and blanket for Chad. The second I realized I got up and sat at Chads labtop. I felt so weird when he did that.

As everyone, but me was alseep I sat and typed Chad a letter. I finally got the things that I'd been feeling and thinking out on paper. I let him read it. Then Kevin broke up with Amanda and she wanted him out of her house so Kevin, Chad and Callie (they brought her to stay the night) all had to leave. Chad had to leave because thats the only way Kevin and Callie could have left. Chad and I weren't able to talk till Saturday morning. When we finally talked about it things were straightened out. He went and got Nikki and then Nikki, Amanda, and I all hung out saturday night. We stayed the night there.

Saturday night, I wanted to get drunk and I did! I hadn't eatten anything at all. I drank so much that the next morning I was still kind of drunk. When I finally ate I throw up. GROSS! Nikki patted my back to make me feel better and it did. I felt like I had friends again. It made me think of Melissa and Nikki. How much I had hurt them and wanted them to hurt because of my pain that I felt. I realized how much of a horrible person that I was. This was all during the time that I was throwing up that I realized this too. Lol.

It ended up that Saturday night, Chad and I got back together. He asked me out in Amanda's bathroom. When he did, I couldn't help but break down in tears! I was so happy that I just wanted to hold him close to me. I never wanted to let him go. I just wanted to be with him forever. I couldn't help but cry though. Talk about having your heart being replaced and restored. My world had been put back together. I can never stay mad at him or away from him either. Chad lights up my world.

Chad was just waiting for that moment when I could explain everything to him. I'm happy now. I'm not acting like a bitch toward him and I think that honestly we needed thoughs few days seperate. It brought me to see that he means more than I let on and him to see that I do love him and want him. What more can I say then I am so much closer to him now. I just have to walk out my room and turn the corner and there is my happiness. My happiness is just around the corner.

Nothing new really happen last night. Chad doesn't want to go out with me till be gets his life back in order which could never happen. You never know whats going to happen. I know that he has a lot of stress on him, but I personally believe that he is just making is worse by breaking up with me. I wish I could figure this stuff out, but I can't. I don't know how too. I am not that much of an important person to him I guess. He doesn't want to tell me some personal things because he thinks that I'll just write them on here. If they are that personal I wouldn't do that. I write about my feelings and things that have happen to me. Yes, I talk about him too, but he is part of my life...a huge part of my life.

I tried to get him to read my blogs yesterday and he just kinda ignored it. I wanted him to read them so Chad knew how I felt and he would understand what I can't just tell him. When it comes to things like this its hard to explain when I'm looking him in the face. Now that we aren't together I just want to cry when I'm with him. I feel like he has lost all feelings and physical attraction to me. I'm no one important to him anymore. I could bearly even get him to kiss me or hug me. I know that we have been having a rough time, yet this should make us stronger as a couple. I don't like that he wants to just break it off our relationship till he gets things straightened out.

Question. In how many cases do people break it off with one person just saying that its a temperary thing and then they never really end up back together? I don't think that Chad really wants to be with me anymore. If he wanted to be with me then we wouldn't be broken up. Chad and I would still be working things out with one another. Trying to fix it all. He told me again that he does love me, I just push him away by bitching at him 24/7. I didn't mean to. I honestly didn't. I just want to see him happy and hard when we are both stressed out. I've been taking it all out on him instead of talking to him about all the stressful things that I have been feeling inside. I'm scared. I feel like I'm alone and that my lonliness isn't going to change anytime soon.

Lonely. Oh so lonely inside. I can bearly breathe sometimes. I feel like I'm gasping for air. Its really weird. I wasn't like this when Justin and I broke up...why am I like this know? Is it because my greatest fear in the world has come true again? Is it because I know what I'm always destined for now? Who knows what my future may bring. I just know what I want it to have in it.

I want my life to filled with love. I want my life to be filled with someone that makes me a better person. I want to be with someone that has their ups and down like me. I want to be with someone that isn't completely perfect. (I think Chad's perfect. He doesn't) I want to be with someone that I know in my heart and in their heart that we are in love. In the end I just want to be with Chad. I'm not saying that I want to get married to him or become engaged to him, I just feel in my heart that right now we are meant to be and help one another out. I love him. I love him with all my heart. There is no room for anyone else in my heart or even my mind.

Time. Its going to take time that I may not have. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and die. I don't know. If I am would he regret what he did? I know that I will regret losing him. I'll regret being without him if I died tomorrow or even if he did. I know these things a little out there, but you never know what may happen. Time, just give it time is what I keep telling myself. I'm so far gone that I don't know what to do anymore. I figure once he starts this new job today and I get a job and give him my checks things will be better. My checks won't be that much money, but at least its money. At least he is getting more money. I don't care about the things that I may want or that I may need. I just care about him.

He said last night that "If a man is a man, if his woman isn't happy he isn't happy." Does that mean that he is happier now that I'm not his "woman"? I'm not happy. Only, I am not his "woman" not anymore at least. I am trying to make him happy again and thats the only reason that I'm applying for work. I know that he needs the money. I giving him all the money that I make. Not the first check though I'm only giving him half of that. The other half is going toward alcohol. Last night I was drinking a little bit and smoking. I quit smoking, but I wanted one to try and help me get rid of some of my stress. It didn't work though. I drank a little two. Nothing big 2 smirnoffs and some other drink called a pink dragon. It wasn't that bad if you mix it with one of the smirnoffs. I liked it.

I am so wanting to get drunk and forget about my problems for a small period of time. I want to run away from them. I know that they will still be there, but at least I can forget about them a little bit. Thats all I'm really asking for right now is a chance to get away. I can't ecplain in words the pain that I feel inside. I'm lost in confusion. I don't know how to find my way back either. Not yet at least. I'm thankful for what two of my friends did for me yesterday. They came and picked me up so I didn't have to stay with Chad and Kevin. My heart is just shattered and it was nice to get away for a little bit. Thats running away from my problems for a bit. It was nice being with people that just wanted to help me out and show me a good time.

I know how both Nikki and Amanda feel now. Nikki just got her heart broken like me and Amanda was left by the guy that got her pregnant. I'm not saying that I am, but there always is that chance. I don't know what I would do if I was just because of what Chad is going through. I just wish that God or someone would tell me what I have to do to fix this. I don't think that I can wait for "time". I'm sorry, but I love him and when you are in love you wait for that person only I don't think that I can wait for him anymore. That is unless he is happier without me as his girlfriend.

Chad and I are dating, but we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. To him there is a big difference and I feel like my heart dropped out of my body. What is a girl in love to do when the man that she loves leaves her for another person? I was left for himself and I can't help him emotionally if he doesn't open up to me and let me in to his heart and into his mind and his body. I want him to be happy more that I want to be happy. Chad, how do I do that? How can I complete you? Make your life easier and you happier? Will I ever?

Lacee

So, basically I was up half the night crying my eyes out because someone that I love with all my heart broke broke what was left of it. Chad broke up with me is my basic point. Chad told me that he has to much stress on him that and he doesn't need me adding to that. He still wants to date, but he doesn't want to be my boyfriend. I don't want date other people. I want to be with him and thats it. I don't get it. He doesn't really have the extra money to date someone else and he doesn't know anyone else that he can really date. He even said that he doesn't want to date anyone else. Why can't we just be the way that we are. I feel that with all the things that he said my heart was riped out again. I know that things have been a little shakey this week, but that shouldn't mean that we can't make it through this. Chad told me that he isn't running away from us he just needs to get away. Maybe thats why he left me alone valentine's day. He said that I honestly slept it away. I agree, but I haven't been sleeping and this just adds to my sleeplessness. How can I sleep knowing that I'm alone, yet the one that I'm in love with so much is just in the next room. What if he does go on dates? I couldn't handle that. It all makes since though. I had a horrible day yesterday and this just added to it. I always do lose the things that I love most in this world. Why can't I keep a hold on the ones and the things that I love most? Considering that BIG fact that he says that he loves me and that he lives with me things are rough. I don't think that things will change. I begged him so much last night that I just wanted to be with him and that I would change the fact that I stress him out. I would work to fix everything and anything that he says is wrong with our relationship. I don't want to be alone or dating. I want to be with CHAD! I don't want to date other people I don't want anything, but him. How am I suppose to concentrate? I can't get him off my mind. I don't want to get him off my mind. I just want to fix whats happen. I want to be his girlfriend again.

It happen again...where am I? I am at the bottom like I was last time I fell in love and then things got hard and then dropped. I guess this just my fate. I hurt someone that I loved dearly and now its his turn to hurt someone that he says that he loves. Yet, if he loved me then he wouldn't want to hurt me. I can't do this. I don't think that I can handle this stress. It just adds to the stuff that is going through my head. I feel like I've lost everything all at once...it must be meant to be like this. Only you know what? The second I finally opened up to him he basically drops me on my head. I dont' understand that at all. I guess that I just am not what he wants anymore. But, I need to go releave some stress. Bye. 

Today is my first Valentine's Day wth Chad. What did we do? Nothing. I didn't think that we would really do anything, but there is something that is getting to me right now. I haven't been sleeping much lately and I don't feel like talking to Chad about it either. I have some thing that is going through my mind right now. I haven't started my period yet. I'm a few days late and that really freaks me out because both my mother and Chad had dreams that I was pregnant. Kinda weird. Back to the reason that I don't really like Valentine's Day right now is because of what has happen this since I got home.

When I got home I brought Chad the ballons that I got for him and then I went to go take a bath and shave my legs and stuff. When I got out I went into his room to sit with him since we were all alone. We were together for a little bit then I went to my room to put some clothes on. After I was dressed he got onto my computer and played around on myspace. I fell asleep for a few hours and when I woke up he was still on the computer. Then we went to go make some food. We made food and ate together at the table. When we finally went finished our dinner we went to our rooms. I went to his room and then I realized that all he was going to do is mess with his music on his computer some more. So, I went to my bed room. He came in and told me that he was going to go to Kevin's house. I invited him to watch a movie and he didn't want to. He seems like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I can't even get him to be with me on Valentine's Day. I don't understand him sometimes. Its hard. All relationships are hard, but the fact that I can't get him to spend really time with me doesn't make since. We are always physcially together, but that doesn't mean that we are talking or even in the same room.

I love Chad and he treats me great and I know that he loves me too, but today of all days he has to leave and be with Kevin. He said that he "needed" to get out of this house. I know that my home life is not the greatest, but you would think or at least hope that he wouldn't say something like that on the day that is made for love. You should spend the day with the person that you love. I know that he misses being with Kevin everyday and I miss is sometimes to. I love Kevin and Amanda just like Chad does. Today is the day that WE are meant to spend time together. I want to be a couple, but if he just wants to get away from me what can I do other than let him? I wish that I could understand him sometimes.

I didn't feel like writing in my blog last night. I was upset with Chad and myself. Chad got a ticket and was a stupid one, but after he got the ticket he was being a complete ass about everything. Cops had a lot of people pulled over on the side of the road and he would yell out immature remarks. Then he says that I'm immature. I'm 17 whats his excuse? I snapped on him to considering what he was saying. He said that he hates this state and he should just leave. Well, this hit me and finally I just blurted out "well, why don't you just break up with me and move away? it seems to be exactly what you want to do anyways!" I was so upset with him for saying the things that he was saying. After I said that the next thing I remember is him picking up a phone and calling his ex girlfriend. Isn't that just great. Hit me in the heart when I least expect it! He talked to her for a little bit then asked her to call him back later. That way they could talk without me in the car listening.

This ex girlfriends name is Carolina. They dated for 4 or 5 months. When Chad and I met were both in other relationships. Chad and I hung out and really started to like eachother so we started dating...while we were dating these other people. Him Carolina and me Stephan. Both of these other relationships were long distance so they didn't find out about it...at least Carolina didn't. I told Stephan about it and broke up with him. I wanted to be with Chad. Chad was more together and mature and there for me when I needed him and Stephan wasn't and couldn't be. So, Chad and I were finally together with each other and no one else. Chad told everyone that asked about him and Carolina that he broke up with her because she moving to Mexico. He told me that it was that and the fact that he wasn't good enough for her...she was too perfect and then there was me.

I don't want him to do to me what both of us did our ex's. I love Chad and I trust him, but I don't trust other people when it comes to the ones I love. I don't want to be hurt like that. I didn't mean to hurt someone else it was a mistake and I told the blame for it and stood up to my responsibility. I got everything that I deserved. Chad got out of it without her ever finding out. When she called back later we were at home and he went OUTSIDE AND INTO his truck and talked to her on the phone. Can you believe that!!! I don't talk to Stephan out of repsect for Chad, he can now talk to Carolina out of respect for himself. He says that all these guys call me, but if all these guys call me thats not my fault. I'm not sitting at home praying that a lot of guys would call me. I'm at home being with the man that I love so dearly. What does that matter though?

After all these things that happen between our past and our present I don't know whats going through his head. I want to spend as much time with him as I can, but he just seems to be wanting more and more space from me. He doesn't want to be a couple. I'm worried that he turning himself into my friend instead of my lover. I don't like that because I know that if we break up he will say that he loves me like a friend and not like a girlfriend. I REALLY DON'T LIKE THAT!!!! I wish that I could fix everything, yet this time I can't fix anything. I'm just a bitch to him and I don't treat him like he should be treated and I need to work on that a lot. I don't want to lose him and if I have to get on my hands and knees and beg I would in heart beat! "Love doesn't consist of hold hands. Love consist of holding hearts." Chad Piersky

I love that quote. He made that quote in my senior yearbook for my senior ad. I love you, Chad Piersky and I always will no matter what happens between us.

I had a great weekend. Friday night I went out with some friends and had a great time. I went bowling and I sucked! I hadn't bowled in a long time. I got like a 40 something. Lol. Went to Wendy's and ate then Chad, my friends and I just hung out and talked. Then we decided to head home because my friends had be home at 1 and Chad was a little tired. We went home and chilled. He started to feel less tired if you will so we went back out and played DDR till about 4 or 5. It was a lot of fun/ We both enjoyed ourselves. Saturday we slept in late then helped my mom at her office. That night we took this girl Kelly out that works with for my mother and showed her Austin.

We went to 6th street and froze. I showed her how to play DDR and again we were out till 5am. It was a fun filled weekend. I fixed things a little between another friend and I which is great. I made a new friendship with someone who is extremely nice. I think that things are slowly starting to change. My life is finally getting back on track. Maybe 2006 won't be that bad of a year? I'm excited for each new day now too. I don't dread them anymore. Thats a good sign.

Why is it so hard to talk
When that is all you want to do
To let out the pain
To erase it from memory

To think back on those days
Is so hard for me now
Its all in my past
But it seems it'll haunt me forever

I was driven to this heartache
To this self-mutilation
Caught in a childhood
No one would want

Growing up too fast
Learning to defend myself
Letting people hurt me
Never telling only protecting

What makes theses people so special?
Why do I protect them when they hurt me?
I don't tell a soul
I hold it all in

I start to let it out
But its so hard to talk
Maybe I need help
But I'm not willing to tell it all

To remember brings memories
Of those dark nights
Retched days
And horrible fights

How can any person grow up like that?
How can any parent hurt a child so bad?
Siblings who are supposed to protect
But who only hurt

When a child’s all alone in the world
What is she supposed to do
She held onto every memory
Wishing only to get away

A childhood with so much anger
It hurts to remember
Tears fill my eyes
As I remember all those awful days

I just pray one day
I'll be able to finally get away
To stop holding back
To finally to be the one to attack

I'm at my mom office again and I honestly don't feel like painting. I am kinda depresesed. I can't tell you why because the reason that I'm like this involes another and I don't want to get into it. I just know that I want to get away. I want to go to a friends house anything! I personally just want to get out of my house and my everyday lifestyle that I've been living for the past 2 weeks about. Everything is the same for my "clingy" self. Hint, Hint*** I don't know why I'm so "spoiled by the pressence of another".*** It doesn't make since to me anymore. I wish that I could understand why it is that I'm feeling this way again. I've been so happy lately and now I am all depressed and just want to be left alone. I don't want anyone to talk to me or have anyone mess with me. All because of a conversation that someone had with me not a few hours ago. I just want to have it all end!! I just want to be down with everything. I just want to end my life and never deal with anything again. If only I could. Last time I tried to it didn't work. I ended up being sick for 3 days staight and I couldn't move. No one cared though. I just wish that those stupid pills would have worked...I wonder if it would work this time? Curiousity kills the cat you know. Maybe curiousity will kill me too.

So, I just got bitched at by Chad. He is mad at me because I was telling about some of the things that I wrote in my blog and he said that I wasn't writing about my life I was writing about his life. I guess in a way I've written about our life and the things that are happening in it between us as a couple. I wish that I could just figure him out sometimes. I don't get guys. They get mad at all these stupid little things. He doesn't like it. No more. I'm not going to talk about him anymore in my blogs. That way he has no reason to get mad at me. So, anyone that reads my blog won't miss this man that I care for. Good-bye Chad. Your no longer a member in my everyday blog life as long as I right a blog. I'm done with it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck this shit!!!!

Lacee

I just don't understand guys!

I just went to school to pick up some of  my classwork. I've missed 3 days of school now and its nice not going to school sometimes, but weird at the same time. The point of this blog though is the fact that when I came home I found Chad asleep. Not that I care that he was a sleep, but it was the way he was asleep. At first I thought that he looked peaceful and cute the way that he was laying there cuddling up with a blanket, then I thought about it a little more....

Chad was cuddling up to the blanket that he got for when he was with Brandy. Does this mean that he misses her in some weird way? Does he want to hold her or something? I think that I'm just analyzing this a little to much. I know that Chad still loves Brandy and his ex Carolina. I just hope that I feel his heart with so much love that there is no more love for another woman. I really don't want him to be empty hearted in anyway. Chad means the world to me and even more than that.

In every relationship there are problems. Always will be and they will never go away. Chad and I are starting to have some problems. They are all my fault because I'm to high maintance and I'm not good enough for him, but I don't want him to know this. I love him. He keeps saying that he isn't good enough for me or some other horrible thing that just makes me feel bad about wanting him. I LOVE, LOVE to kiss!! He has to be in the "mood" to kiss and it drives me insane. He knows that I love to kiss and the past ferw days he would kiss me a little more. A few days ago when I came home from school he pushed me down on the futon and started making-out with me out of no where.

I loved it! It was a little weird because I wasn't expecting it so I pushed him off to see if something was wrong with him. I mean he had never acted like that toward me before. I love Chad and I don't want him to think other, but whenever I talk to him and try to talk these things out it seems like it is all my fault that I get mad at him. I must have no reason to be ill with him. He does a lot for me. The ONLY reason that he is still living in Austin and moved into my house is because he was with me and didn't want to leave me. He can't do long distance. I don't want to do long distance again, but I would if it meant staying with him. I love him. I want to be with him. I wish that I could figure out why is that all these things keep getting to me....?

Yesterday we went and visited with our friends Amanda and Kevin. Amanda and I talked in her bedroom. We talked about a lot of things. Amanda and I talked about her relationship, my and Chads, being pregnant, getting married, etc. a lot of crazy things. Something that got me....upset with Chad yesterday was the fact that Chad started joking around with Amanda's dad, Bill, well he stated that I was his part-timer girlfriend. I know that he meant it as a joke, but it still hit me like a rock and made me feel a little worthless. We didn't talk much after that until we got home.

When we got home and talked it all out and talked about a lot of other things too. It was a nice make up. My love is now in my room watching Family Guy with me. Its alright. Its nice to be a couple in love even with all our problems that we may have. I'll live and our relationship will continue and go on. Thats all for now though, Lacee

I'm skipping my first period again today so I can hang out with my friend Nikki. She is going through a hard time with her now ex boyfriend / ex fiance. I tihnk that he is bullshiting her. He things that she was only with him because she needed someone to be with and that she doesn't love him. Well, I think that he is an asshole. I know that Nikki loves him. Why else would she be with him when he lives in Houston and she lives in Austin. They don't get to see eachother very much because he is working so much and things are hard for them other wise. The only reason that she gets to see him is because he has to come to Austin for court. I think thats completely messed up.

Melissa is in the library now talking to Nikki about it and I know that she can help her out in this more than me. Melissa was there from the start unlike me. Melissa says things a lot better than me. I'm trying to help her talk to Nikki and help Nikki with Melissa, but its not really working that well. I guess that Melissa is the better friend in the end and always was. How come I can help all my other friends out when they have a problem, however, I can't help out the one that I want to help out the most? I feel horrible and I wish that I could just ripe all the heartbreak out of this world. It seems like it aways hit people when they don't need it. Bad things always happen to the good people.

Because anyone who reads this won't know this let me rewind a little bit...

Melissa and Nikki were my best friends from 10th grade to 11th grade. We hung out every single day and did everything together. We were extremely close! Then in January of my Junior year Melissa and I started to stop talking and hanging out so much. I don't know what was going through my head, but at some point I wrote her a letter with some things in it saying that we weren't really best friends anymore that we were just really close friends. Melissa and I then stopped talking to one another; that is after she yelled at me and stuff. Then in February the guy that I was in love with for the first time and I broke up. I was hysterical!!! I cried. I cut. I cried. I just wanted to die. When I tried to call him back and fix what had happen he didn't answer. I then called my best friend, Nikki. Her line was busy so I knew that she was talking to someone on the phone. Come to find out that it was Justin. Justin Roach my first love. She told him somethings and he told me that night that Nikki said that "He shouldn't go back out with me." Plain and simple she laid it all out. My heart shattered even more. Justin was the first man that I ever gave myself to and thats the main reason that I felt like we were meant for one another. I loved him so much. I still do, but after I look back on how he treated me I would never go back out with him again. After that night, February 19th, 2005, I lost my mind. I became depressed. When I went to school on Monday I talked to no one. Nikki and Melissa surprisingly tried to comfort me, but I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I pushed them away/out of my life. I just wanted to suffer alone. Alone like I was always was going to be.

Well, I didn't sit at our table at lunch anymore. They thought that I was mad at them, but the truth is that I couldn't handle anything. I just wanted to be alone. Alone. I made it to were I was alone too. I turned my sorrow into ANGER and focused on hurting the others that I told myseld caused me so much pain.  I wanted them to feel my pain and torture. You know what....I think they felt my heartache more than anything. I would give my life now to take back this past year and all the pain that I have caused to thoughs in this world and not in this world. There are a lot of things that I did between February 19th to July 18th, 2005. The guy that I was dating helped me through all the pain. Now we are no longer together. I don't mind though. I'm with Chad now and I know that he loves me and if we happen to break up it won't be like Justin and I broke up.

Speaking of Chad, he thinks that he found a job. He won't for sure until this afternoon when he goes in for ihs "orientaion" at 3 o'clock. He said that he pretty much got the job. I'm excited now. Thats means that he is going to stay here and move in with me and everything. I mean he is already living at my house, but now its going to be technical. He hasn't told his parents. Chad is waiting till he knows for a fact. I don't think they are going to like this at all. Chad's mom already doesn't like the idea that my family is helping him out because we aren't family. I love him and my parents really like him thats why we are helping him out. At least here in Austin we can be together. Whereas, him in Mississippi we can be together, yet apart all at once.

Chad and I aren't allowed to sleep in the same bed, room, or anything and last night I wanted to sleep with him because I haven't slept with him since I spent the night at his apartment saturday night. I've been letting him sleep in my new room and I sleep in my old room. Well, I went to sleep in my new room on my new bed so he would sleep with me, but he didn't want to because of my parents. He doesn't want to do anything with me because of them. He only likes to kiss when he is in to mood to kiss and I LOVE TO KISS!!!! He was in the mood to kiss yesterday when I got home from school. I had no clue what had gotten into him, but I liked it at the same time. We haven't made love in a while either and you know what...he got what he wanted last night and I did it for him. I got the pleassure of him coming and thats it. We didn't make love or have any kind of intercourse. I just...to be blunt....gave him a hand job.

Its not that I need it. Its nice, but I can live without it. I just don't think that its fair that he got off because thats what he wanted and I gave it to him. While we were making out he kept taking my hand and putting it down there so I would mess with him. I didn't want to know. I don't think its fair to mess with someone unless both people are going to get something out of it. That is unless the girl is on her period and I'm not. I don't know why I'm saying all of this, but it makes me feel a lot better. I've had a lot of stress on me lately with the idea of Chad moving and all the money that he owes and all the school drama that keeps happening and trying to become friends with Melissa again. Its a lot to handle in a month. AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Sorry I needed a tension break. I feel a little better now. I'm going to end this for now though. I will type a new blog in my 4th period. Laters.

Lacee

Its another day at school and more drama that comes with it. I'm sitting here in my BCIS class and I texted my boyfriend to see if he was awake looking for a job about 30 minutes ago and so far he hasn't texted me back. That can be both a good thing and a bad thing. I am really hoping thats a good thing. I love him and I don't want him to move. We have been talking about him finding a job here and how it would be a lot cheaper if he just found a job here. It would be easier on us too. He gets free room and board at my house and he gets the same thing at his. I just want him to stay here with me so we can continue to be there for one another. Thats the only thing thats one my mind right now though. I want to be with him and I don't want to lose him. I'm not willing to go down without a fight!

Lacee

Yesterday I could not stop crying for the life of me. My boyfriend is moving and I can't stand the idea of it. He is moving to Mississippi and I live in Texas! I'm not breaking up with him and I know that he isn't breaking up with me. We are going to do the long distance relationship. He says that he doesn't know if he can, but he wants to do anything he can so we can still be together. I just really want him to stay here. I mean my parents said that he could live with us. He just needs to find a job here. I can't bear the thought of all of these things going on in our lives right now.

Chad, my boyfriend, is older than me and has to make his old decisions. I mean he is 23 and I'm only 17. I still have to finish high school. Its my last year and then I'm planning on moving to Mississippi to go college and be near him again. Chad told me last night that if he had too and things don't work out in Mississippi he will move back here and get a job in Round Rock. I live on the outside of Austin and it would be a 20 minute drive to work everyday. Thats not that bad. Why can't he just go out there now and get a job. Then he doesn't even have to leave and then maybe come back....you know what I mean.

I haven't had a boyfriend that lived within 3 1/2 hours of me for a little over a year or so. Now that I finally have that does and one that I really do love and can possible see myself with for the rest of my life...he is moving 15 hours away. Thats going to kill me in the end. We have been dating for a while now and Chad and I see eachother every single day. We have been apart for a total of 3 days. One day was a boys night out and the other 2 he was out of town. I don't know what its going to be like when I don't get to see him for about 3 weeks! My mom is flying him to a class in Tyler, Tx for her work Febuary 24th or sometime around there. I'm going to find a way to be with him then. Then he is going to come down here March 12th sometime to see a concert with me and then I'm hoping to go to Mississippi to meet his mother, sisters, and brother. I've already had the pleasure of meeting his father. My mom is flying him down again April 7th for my prom on the 8th and then again sometime in May for my birthday and graduation. Then I'm going to be with him in the summer and get set up for college.

This is a lot of time that we are going to see eachother, but there always is that question of "what if". What if he does think that its to hard to be apart and he wants to date someone who is there in Mississippi? I don't want to be without him. I have this bad feeling about all these possible outcomes of him moving. I trust Chad complete, but if I trust him why do I worry about him. His mother doesn't support him in all this and he says that she can be a bitch and that makes me wonder about her. I don't think that he needs her stressing him out even more than he is already stressed out. I'm going to really miss Chad. I love him so much and I never thought that he would be living me like this. I thought that everything was going great till he quit his job and things just got worse and worse and even more worse.

When I really think about all these things I know that Chad and I as couple will make it through it all. I know that we have this emotional connection that can't leave us. We are perfect for one another. I don't know if he thinks this, but he said something one say that made my heart melt. He said that I was his dream girl. He always wanted to marry a girl that was smart and intelligent and playing the piano, sang and was funny. Someone who had blue eyes and dark hair to bring out her eyes even more. I am all of these things. I have black hair and blue eyes, I love to laugh and have fun and go out and do things. I just don't enjoy sitting in my room night after night watching tv. I can do it, but I want to be with my friends when I have a chance too. Since Chad and I started dating though...I've only been with him and Kevin. I won't be with either of them now. Kevin's gone too and I don't know when he is coming back. Now Chad's leaving and I'm alone. I have people that I talk to at school, but no one that I really hang out with outside of school.

I love Chad more than anything. I'm doing my best to deal with all of these things that are happening to us. Its going to be a challenge to remain together and we are both going to have to work at it. I am willing to put forth the effort if he is. In the end I just want everything to end perfectly and for Chad and I to get engaged in about a year, year and a half and then get married, then after about two years of marriage start a family. Have my own family and career and be everything to the person that I love with all my heart. I just want to be happy and live a happy life with the one I love.

Lacee