Heavy Hearted!!

 

So, I'm sitting here in my orm room and my heart feels heavy. It feels full of pain and I just don't know what to do about it. I decided to write it down in here hoping that it would lighten this feeling inside. I hope that it does...

 

I'm in love with a man that loves me. We are hidden in the shadows by an evil force. I wish that we could stop hiding, but he can't because of this evil force. I don't like this at all. I feel like I'm losing my mind at times. There are times that I feel fine at times, yet I still never feel complete. I am going to marry man and this should complete me only it doesn't. Do I want something that is to much to be given?

I wish that I didn't feel this way? I don't know what to do anymore. My mind feelings like it's going every which way. I am so happy being in love and know that this man loves me. It fills a place in my heart that has never been filled before and know that we are getting married and going to be together till the day that we die and then in the after life is even more enlightening then just knowing that we are getting married!

Why do I feel so empty right now though? Why does my heart feel so heavy and life someone just took it all away? I am risking a lot being with him and I guess he is doing the same, but I am hoping that in the long run it is all worth the pain that we are going through now. We hide our relationship and love from the evil that is keeping us apart. When you see us together like the other day you can tell that we are in love! You can tell that we are going to make it through all the things that our relationship is going through.

I do have one thing inside me that I want to say just to say it so the thoughts aren't lingering in my mind. What if my lovely and amazing boyfriend/fiance changes his mind again? What if this evil takes him away again? Tries to pull some more bullshit on him? I know that if it's meant to be that it won't happen again, but I know that this man and I are meant to be together and that everything that is happening and has happened is just a test to prove to both of us that we are each others soul mates and companions.

He loves me and I love him. That is all that is needed to be said. I just wish that he could stop hiding his love for me. I wish that he could finally be free of all these evils that are before him. I wish that his money problems would just fall back in place just as his/our love life has fallen back into place. I know that my love is most likely reading this soI have a note to him...

I love you sweetie! If I upset you with this I'm sorry. I can't help, but feel this way sometimes. You know and understand why I do. I know that you have to feel this way sometimes too...I hope. I love you and I can't wait to wake up to you for the rest of my life! You are my one and only and I love you for being the man that you are!

I know who reads my blogs. I just trying to talk to someone. The one that I want to talk to never wants to talk when I want to talk. I never want to talk when he wants to talk either. I'm never there for him and he isn't there for me. I'm worthless. I have nothing left to give because I have given it all away.

I am an empty person. I want nothing more in this world, but to feel love and care and the tenderness of another person and I can't even keep that. The one that i call my angel sleeps while I weep at night. I make sure to keep the soft and quiet so not to wake him. Why can't I sleep sound like him? Why can't I just have a time when I am wanted and loved? Why can't I be loved by the one that I love?

Why does this all sound so familar. I know...I have been through this before. Justin. Its all the same feels. The only difference that I can see is that I'm not being hit. That doesn't matter though. I am still hurting. I am still loving and here. Whats wrong with me? Everyone tells me to let go, but two people. Who do I follow?

Love. I hate love!!!!!!! Love just likes to hurt and fuck people over. I wish that it would leave me know and move to someone else and torture them for a while. I don't want to handle this anymore. I just want to die right now and not have to deal with these things that I'm thinking and that I'm feeling right now.

Worthless emotions from my mind....

To my dearest boyfriend who I will always love
Here are a few words for you, inspired from above
Firstly thank you for sharing your love with me
And for loving me for the person that I have in me

These last four months have been the best of my life
Every night I prey to one day become your wife
I truly mean each word I write or say to you
Never have I lied except be honest and true

My days get better the more time we spend
You are the perfect man and the perfect best friend
You are not only a boyfriend but I admire you the most
And my love for you was real and never almost

The night that we spent together listening to our songs
Singing to each others hearts made me realize we belong
A tear fell because of the happiness in my heart
I know from your heart I will never depart

Falling asleep in your arms having my dreams by my side
I know that for the rest of our life in your I can confide
In my heart I always preyed to hold someone like you
Never did I think at this time my prey would come true

Each times my hand touches yours and our eyes meet
My body melts and my heart skips a beat
I love the fact I can be myself in front of you
I hope you feel the same with me too

I have had the time of my life and its you I owe it all to
I think so highly of you baby no matter what you go through
I admire everything you choose or want to do or see
Even Your intelligence cause you were smart enough to fall in love with me.--

These are my feelings toward you. I know that they are a little out of context, but I still love you and want to be with you. Pushing you away is something that I am dreading. I never want to be without you. Even if you move back to Mississippi I still think that we could work this out. I can’t imagine you with another woman and I can’t imagine myself with another man. It breaks my heart at the thought of it all.

I know that you are only looking out for what is best so prove that I trust you I’m going to go with it. I hate it when you leave me. I know that you will come back at some point, only it leaves me empty. Like I have nothing left when you do leave. We do have some things that I think I am going to need help on working out. You are going to have to work on them too. I’m sorry and I know that you don’t like this, but I don’t like Patricia. I can’t stand the way that you seem to always drop me to go to her when she is in need, but when I need you it’s “I’ll be there in a little bit”. I understand that she is your “best friend,” but I want to know that I am someone too.

I will make a deal with you. I won’t say anything about you going over there anymore as long as you don’t spend the night over there anymore. Deal? I’m sorry, but I can’t stand that you stay the night. That’s what upsets me the most, other than her and you texting back and forth when I’m trying to talk to you or spend time with you. I want this to work out between us. I don’t think that it can with her anywhere in our lives, but I’m willing try under certain conditions.

I do however love you with all of my heart though! You mean the world to me and I know that you hate it when I say this, yet I do want to be with you the rest of my life. I would feel honored to wake up to you every morning…to fall asleep in your arms every night. It would be an amazing feeling to know that we are together forever and can raise a family together.

That’s what my blog was about the other night. About raising a family and not being where I wanted to be or where I want to be. I always pictured it differently. I pictured me in some sort of relationship. Honestly, I wanted to be married first. Funny how that works out though…lol. I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay with me. If you leave then I’m want to leave with you. As soon as you get a place and get your feet back on the ground I want to move to Mississippi to be with you again. That is if you still want me.

This is getting to long for me so I love you and I will always love you!

 

Love Always and For All Eternity,

Lacee

 

Do you think that I wrote this fair? About the whole Patricia thing? I think that I was more than generous, but I want to know if I said everything that I should have.

I'm a voided person right now. I don't know what to do nor what to think. I have lost everything that I have ever really loved. I don't feel like I can go on, but I continue to live because it's the only thing that I can do right now.

The first thing that I lost was my best friend in the whole world. We had been friends since we were babies and we always lived next door. When I moved to Texas his family moved to Texas so our families could still be together. When we moved to Austin they moved to Austin with us. I just wish that I could get him back. I just wish that he hadn't taken his life at such an early age.

Then I met a new person. She took a place in my heart and even when we had our problems I knew that she was always there for me if I needed her to be. I have lost her now. I know that she isn't dead and that we can still talk anytime, but she had moved away. I knew that this day was coming I only wish that it didn't come this soon. Than same night I lost something else.

I lost the love of my life. He said some really bad things that made me hate him for a whole second. I have never felt hate toward him and last night I told him with tears pouring from my eyes that he was a "fucking lying ass bastard and I hate you!". I was so hurt by the things that he said to me. I cut last night too. I am not the only one that did either. I just wish that I could be the one that makes him happy and the one that he wants to marry. Yes, marry. I want to marry Christopher Chad Piersky!!

We may have our fights and things like that, but I still and always will love him. He did one thing that really broke my heart though. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. Well last night, in front of his best friend, he couldn't/wouldn't say it. He told me that he was only with me because of something that I dare not go into right now. My heart felt like it dropped out of my body. I will say, I said some bad things and things that I never should have. Only you know what I think, you don't do that to someone. You don't tell them to their face that you love them and you want to be with them one second and the next tell them the complete opposite.

I still love him though and want to be with him. I just wish that he could see that. I just wish that he would feel the same way. I can't ever seem to find someone to love me back though. I guess that it just takes time for them to come around.

 

Standing all my life, leaning into the wind
Alone, always alone, even in a crowd
Facing every challenge with a determined grin
Many a time I was wrong, oh so wrong
Never breaking, always standing strong

Lost some people from my life along the way
Death coming to their door, inquiring about me
Lessons learned regarding living and dying
Becoming flexible like the old willow man
Swaying in life's breeze, doing all I can

A year and a half of confusion and pain
Leaving a trail of misery wherever I went
Your cheeks have seen a tear or three
I never meant to hurt your lovely heart
In mine I knew we should not be apart

The moment my lips touched yours that night
I knew in the depths of my soul that I was yours
Fear raced through me, chasing me away
Forgetting to sway in life's little breeze
Until that time at the beach finding myself on my knees

Your love wrapping around me and keeping me safe
Pulling me back to shore, drawing me to you
Tenderly holding me on my moonless nights
Showing me how to live and giving me life
I will be honored if someday I will be your wife.

I used to say I loved you
And that you were the one
And I used to be so grateful
That our relationship had begun

But now that times have changed
My love has turned to hate
And I regret ever telling you
That meeting you was fate

I regret ever telling you
About the hardships in my life
Because you are now the reason
Why my life is filled with strife

I cry myself to sleep each night
For this pain is just to real
But the truth is that I miss you
And the happiness you made me feel

I wish I never loved you
Or let you steal my heart
Because now that you have left me
My life is torn apart

I gave you all my trust
And you just threw it all away
And I wish that you could see
The pain I feel each day...

This pain I want to go away
I have nothing left inside to gain
So tonight I say it out loud for all to know
Goodbye and I love you forever no more...

Have you ever felt like
all you had was gone?
That your heart was broken,
and you couldn't go on?

Have you ever really
wanted to die?
To end your life,
so your tears would dry?

My life was like a tunnel,
and he was the light,
he made my smile,
so real, so bright.

When things got tough,
he was always there,
for once in my life,
someone did care.

He was a gift,
sent from up above,
for the first time in my life,
I actually felt loved.

He was like an angel,
sent to rescue me,
he was my everything,
my love, my destiny.

I stopped the cutting,
his love made me quit,
I never thought
I would stop doing it.

I have no idea,
what he found in me,
but he always saw something
no one else could see.

He didn't care
about popularity,
he didn't choose looks
over personality.

He was the only one
who loved me for who I am,
he thought I was unique and special,
- he didn't want me to be like them.

But now that he's gone,
the light has turned to dark,
I am slowly re-creating
every tiny mark.

Without him here,
I have no life,
only a friend,
and that friend is the knife.

It has come back,
the pain, the sorrow,
I don't wish to see
a new tomorrow.

Lying.
Trying.
Crying.
I'm dying.

' Time heals all wounds, '
that is such a lie,
time will never heal my heart,
and therefor I will die.

They say you can't love someone
in such young years,
then give me an explanation
to why I shed all these tears?

Don't say I deserve someone better,
I just want to be with you,
no one will ever take your place,
and I know that you love me too.

But the distance between us,
is keeping us apart,
why must love always
end with a broken heart?

True love survives everything,
so why don't you want to try?
Please don't leave me all alone,
I have an unanswered ' why? '

Why can't I stop feeling
the way I do?
I know I'll never find
another you.

I would give everything,
just to see your face,
you are my heart,
something no one will replace.

So remember this,
I will love you forever,
even if it means
we're not together.

Any girl would be lucky,
to have a guy like you,
but no one will ever
love you in the special way I do.

Maybe to you,
it wasn't a big thing,
but remember this,
you were my everything.

I am sitting here thinking. Thinking about everything that happen to me last night. Things happen that I am not proud of at all. I know that everything that happen last night was my fault though.

I was going to spend the day with Chad. We had it planned to be together. A normal day. Thats what we both wanted. Did it happen though...no it didn't. It was the worst day ever!

It started off a little slow then we were fine. Laughing and messing around with one another (non sexually). Then he asked me if I wanted to go play frisbee and I said yes after I finish dinner. When we were about to leave he got on the phone and was calling someone. I asked what he was doing and he told me that he was calling Patricia to tell her that we were on our way.

I was confused and not very happy about this. He told me that we were going to play with them. I don't want to be around her. I'm not ready for that. Not ready at all for that! I still went because I wanted to be with him. I let them play because I didn't want to play anymore. Then they wanted to go to the store. So I walked behind them about 10 to 15 feet. Chad didn't like this at all.

I called Brantley to say hi and Chad got all mad at me telling me that it wasn't right of me to do that. I didn't get it and we got into a little argument about it. Then, we walked back to Patricia and dropped her and Chris, the other person that played frisbee with them, off. We walked home and Chad started to ask me weird question. We ended up sitting outside talking/arguing. I got pissed at something that he said and walked off.

When I got back from my short walk he was inside and we fought more. We got into it! I said something that was very out of line and I should have never said it or even thought it. He got so pissed off. He wanted to leave but I wouldn't let him. I couldn't let him. Something told me not too. So I grabbed him and  he didn't like this at all.

He tried to get me to get off of him and let him go but I wouldn't and this made him madder and madder. Well, today my upper arms are really hurting me from where he was pushing my arms down to get me to let go. The top of my chest hurts where his cell phone and elbow went into it at one point. To add to that, I have a bi bruise on my upper right thigh that I got from him.

He didn't hit me in anyway. He didn't mean to hurt me either. It just kind of happen and it was my fault. I made a huge mistake last night and I ruined everything. I feel like a complete idiot. I said somethings that weren't true at all. I wish that I could take them back, only I can't and never will be able too.

I guess I'm just meant to be in love with someone and make them hate me. Thats what always seems to happen to me. It's my fault though. I push people away. Thats what I'm good at.

Lacee

Number 1

I'm not suppose to love you.

I'm not suppose to care.

I'm not suppose to live my life wishing you were there.

I'm not suppose to care where you are or what you do.

I'm sorry I just can't help myself.

I fell in love with you and until that day I hope we meet again.

I will always fall asleep with that last memory in my head of you.

Of how I used to dream of what I would say if I had that second chance.

I would give you all the love I have and never stop holding you hand and never break your heart again.

I cant live without your love.

I dont know what to say to make you believe how I feel
that these feelings are genuine and very real.

I know I broke your heart and that you don't want me back, but I'm waiting right here for you.

You can't see me but I'm here.

I feel pushed away, but I've never felt so near to your heart.

It hurts to hear your voice say "I'm sorry Lacee but thats not how I feel now today".

I've cried myself to sleep having dreams of you and me then I awake and realize I've made the biggest mistake of my life and how I want you back.

People have told me move on.

Find someone new.

I know cuz I've been informed that your doing fine without me.

That you don't miss me anymore.

But my heart will be with you for now and evermore.

Yet, I just can't.

You are irreplacable, timless I want to grow old with you.

This is my last poem, letter, e-mail I will send to share my heart and my feelings I fear it is the end.

I pray to god its not because you hold the biggest place in my heart.

I will wait forever for you.

Look past all your flaws because you said we were soulmates.

I wish your love could now be true.

I hope time will heal and I will get that second chance
to be held in your arms.

I don't care who sees because I am love with everything about you.

Every freckle on your face,

Every smile that you make

Our love was something rare that just can't be thrown awa.

I realize I made the biggest mistake.

I'm sorry I caused you so much pain.

The worst day of my life was the day I let you go.

It took me a lot of courage to write this for you.

I want what we had back.

I want to be there for you.

My love for you runs deeper than deep.

Your heart is what I want to keep.
 
It doesnt matter what other say you are.

What I need from now until the day I die,

Is you so I can say I spent my life with my angel
from the sky.

 

Number 2

Making this work is harder than it looks,

I've been trying to hide these feelings that keep me inside:

These scary feelings that make me stay up all night.

You brought me into your world as I let you take over mine.

You pulled me to a place I never wish to be again.

At the time you were all I had.

You were there for me when I was alone.

I ran from the good and I adopted the bad.

I am not okay: as I look over my shoulder my heart stop's, afraid of what I might see.

Are you there watching out for me?

I find myself filling my mind with anything to keep the thoughts of you out.

You've hurt me so bad without a doubt.

Now look where you are...you've paid the price.

I knew better why didn't I listen,

Everyone told me to leave, and now I see the one who made the mistake was me.

To all thoughs that asked...yes I do write my own poetry. Anything that I paste on here is my words or thoughts. I have a few more that I am hoping to put on here soon.

Lacee

I: walk the halls to class.
You: walk the other way for your morning relief.

I: sit at my deask daydreaming of you.
You: sit on the couch dreaming of her.

I: worry about friends and test scores.
You: worry about making certain people happy.

I: think.
You: don't, not unless you have too.

I: have a secret-keeper.
You: have "goodie" suppliers.

I: ask myself, do opposites attract?
You: ask why I ask so many questions.

I: want you.
You: wonder why.

So do I...

I haven't been able to get on here lately so I am updating my life on here. I have written a few poems that I am planning on posting sooner or later on here. I just don't have them on here. Things that are going on that are both good and bad. I just wish that everything would stop coming at me thats bad. I am hoping that things are going to start looking up.

My birthday is on Saturday and I have no idea what I am going to be doing. I have one birthday wish that I know will not come true..--

...Chad comes up to me with my favorite flower...white roses...and tells me how much that he does love me and then he tells me everything will be better and that he wants to be with me and only me. Then he asks me to be his girlfriend again and of course I say yes and all our problems just disappear....--

What a birthday wish right?  I know that it's not going to come true, but it doesn't mean that I can't hope.

I had a nightmare last night and I thought that I was going to die. I woke up in a sweat and felt like I was dying for real. I wanted to text Chad and talk to him about it, only I couldn't even bearly move my arm. I screamed for my dad and he came in all freaking out. He brought me some food because my blood sugar was about 43 and thats really bad. He takes his all the time so he took mine. I think its because I hadn't eatten since...I think Saturday morning.

Well, like I said I will post my poems on here soon. I have to go for now because I don't feel like typing anymore about my life and whats going on.

*Lacee*

I haven't been writing in this blog or any blog for that matter. I have to many other things on my mind. I just want everything that is going on in my world to stop. I have cut ties personally with the ones that I believe are the root of it all, but then there is still other people that I don't want or can't cut ties with that still talk to them.

I am not all that worried about that though. I just have to figure out what I am going to do with my life. I want to get out of high school and I want to get away from this town. I just don't know where I am going to go. I have to figure it out. I have 2 offers in front of me and I don't know which one to take. I am lost in confustion. I guess I will find my way with or without the people that are confusing me to death.

 

I can't deal with this fucking shit. I want people to leave me alone. I want to end everything that is going on and call it all quits. I think that it's that time to say fuck the world and all you people in it, other than the select few that have been there for me, and end my life again. I don't want to deal with all the shit that I'm dealing with.

I wanted it to work out. I believed that he wanted to give us another try and you know what...he fucked me again. He is killing me just like a certain someone else is doing to their boyfriend. Even he says that it is killing him. I am ranting and I know that a certain person is going to read, but I don't care. Read it. Copy and Paste it. I don't care!!!! I am tired of you and him making everything out to be my fault! Everything is not my fault. Almost everything that is happening is YA'LLS FAULT!!!! YOUR FAULT!

YOU! ITS ALL YOU! DON'T FUCKING TRY AND MAKE US FEEL BAD ANYMORE BECAUSE IT'S NOT OUR FAULT AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE AREN'T GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!

I am no longer going to love you Chad. I can't and I won't let myself. I'm at the point where I'm starting to hate you. I think thats the best thing for me now. I just want to jump off a cliff and it's getting to that point where I'm about too.

I know that my friends may comment on this blog telling me not to, but you know what....you guys aren't going to help me. I need to get away. I need to run away. I need something to forget about all the things that are going on.

To the people that have been there for me (you know who you are),
   I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm not trying to get away from you I'm trying to get away from all the people that are making life a living hell. I am trying to make sure that I do live long enough to at least bring another life into this world. No matter what I may say to Chad, I want this child. I think that by telling him what I'm telling him he will go away. Then everything will be better for me. I don't have to talk to anyone about him. I don't want to put up with all the stress that is going on anymore. I can't do it. It's bad.
   Its time to make a stand and get away from everything. I am ready for that too. I'm going to stand on my own 2 feet and walk away. I will walk to the only place that I think is safe too. I don't care that its a 100 miles away. I will walk for the rest of my life if I had too. At least my life would be better while I'm walking. I am tired of life. I'm tired of waking up every morning. When I go to bed all I  think about is death now. I want to end my life, but no one elses. I know thats not possible though. So, I have to go on. I have continue to live with all these things that just make me want to kill myself.

When is it going to be my turn to die? When am I going to be free of life? Free of pain? When can I just, end everything?

Today has been a day like no other. There is nothing that is going on that I  care talk about to people that read my blog. I am keeping things that I feel and think for my other blog. That way I don't have people taking it and using it against me anymore. Its time to call this thing quits. I sorry if you read my blog and want to know what is going on in my life, but I personally think that its time to find away to express myself and not have people know that its me.

Sorry to all my friends. I guess you are going to have to be in the dark again. No one will get this screen name.

Lacee

This is suppose be a place that I feel completely safe to write on. One that I don't have to worry about anyone sending my things to other people. I don't know your screen name, yet but it doesn't matter. I am going to write on another screen name that I am only telling to one person. I will write here when I feel like it, but for the most part I am done with this screen name.

I was so sick last night. Throwning up my dinner and everything. Chad wants me to stop smoking, but I told him until he is my boyfriend he can't tell me what to do anymore. I am tired of letting him run my life. I am not going to do it anymore. Every time that I feel like I am starting to let go something grabs me and won't let me go. I don't know what to do about it. Anyone who reads my blogs knows that I am madly in love with Chad. I mean if you listen to the way that I am always talking about him. Its so weird yet amazing and it fills me up.

I do love Chad dearly. I want to be with him too. He told me that last night that he knows in his heart that we are going to get back together soon. I mean he still tells me that he loves me too. He tells everyone what they may want to hear though. I am sick and tired of dealing with all the shit that Patricia is bring to us. She always has to have things her way. Chad always complains about her too. Thats why I know that he isn't lying about us getting back together. He is just waiting for the right time to break up with her.

I personally think that he should have done it when she found out that Chad and I were still together, but I can't force him to break up with her. I am not going to either. He must know that I am not going to wait around much longer though. I will run away with everything that he may think is dear to him. I won't let him hurt me more than I am already hurt. What happens to me, he won't know about. I will be on my own. I can be strong. I can take care of everything that is going on in my life. Whether he is suppose to be a part of it or not.

~Lacee~

I talk to someone that was the last person I thought that I would ever talk to. Carolina is Chad's ex girlfriend. He ended things with her so he could be with me. I had about a 45 minute conversation with her and she told me that they didn't break up until January. Chad and I started dating in December. He told me that they broke up a week or two after we started dating.

I have found that this is all interesting. He told me that he never cheated on me. I don't know if I should consider this cheating though. We started to date when he was with her so he was cheating on her with me, but then he said that it was over with them and it really wasn't. I feel like time is replaying itself.

I don't what I should do. I need some advice. I don't need someone telling me that it's time to drop him. I want to know from at least 10 people if they think that I should tell his current girlfriend that he really has cheated on her and that he has a history of it? I know that Chad would hate me forever if I did....but should I do it. I need feed back, please!

Lacee

I can't write blogs anywhere but here now. I know that Chad won't be able to read them if I write them here. I am tired and sick. I just wanted to make that clear. Lacee